Saving Shinigami SideFic: Wufei's thoughts
by ShinigamiPhoenix
Summary: Wufei's thoughts on Saving Shinigami, specifically Duo, showing his softer side, which i love!


Notes: Wufei's view on Saving Shinigami, set sort of vaguely in the future, as in a few days, so they're still at Marianne's. It's mostly about Duo, but it also goes into how he feels about the other pilots. I honestly had no idea that Wufei was gonna love Duo, believe me, but I have very little control over these things, and I rather like the twist, so... Enjoy and review!   
  
Have you ever met someone who was so perfect you thought he had been sent by the heavens? Someone who was everything you wanted and everything you needed, someone who could look at your deepest, darkest secrets and not judge you, someone who would never think you weak or stupid as long as you did your best.   
  
I have. And like all things in my life, I couldn't hold onto him. I couldn't even have him to begin with.   
  
I suppose it's partially my own fault for that, but... I was afraid. I loved him so much, I didn't want him to reject me, and I was so sure he would. I mean, why would he want me? I was always cold and harsh, insulting him whenever I got the chance, I never complimented him for anything he did... I was a bastard.   
  
But I didn't know how else to act. I have only been in love once, and I didn't have to admit my feelings then, didn't have to take the first step. Everything was arranged for me and I just had to 'go with the flow' as he would say. Meiran was a lot like Duo, when I think about it. Stubborn, intelligent, brave, rebellious, beautiful, sensitive.   
  
But I got to have Meiran, for just a little while, before she was taken from me. I couldn't have Duo even for a second.   
  
I would not take him from Yuy for the world, but... sometimes... I wonder. What would have happened if I had admitted my feelings for him before Yuy? Would he cling to me the way he clung to Yuy? Would he grace me with that beautiful, warm smile that is only for Yuy? Then I force myself to remember just how happy he is with Yuy. I love Duo, with all my heart, and because of that, I want him to be happy. But it hurts, sometimes.   
  
Watching Duo these past few days, seeing him become the person he was before his damned mission, I remind myself how... lost he had looked. How broken and lost and... there are no words to describe what I saw in his eyes during those horrible days. It was like looking into the eyes of a corpse, but worse, because these eyes were filled with horror and sadness and guilt. It tore at my heart to see him suffering so much, but what could I do? He had Yuy, and there was nothing I could do that he could not.   
  
But it still hurt, to see him so.... I wished with everything I had to take that burden from him, to ease his heart's pain, but I couldn't.   
  
I have never dealt well with failure and defeat, and this time was no exception. They say that sometimes the hardest thing to do, is to do nothing at all, and they weren't kidding. Sitting there, watching him struggle against the darkness inside him, was more painful to endure than any torture I have ever been subjected to. If OZ forced me to do that again, sit there and just watch helplessly as my dearest friend slipped slowly into a howling abyss of pain and misery... I'd tell them everything.   
  
The worst thing about that awful time was the guilt I saw in his haunted eyes. He pretends to be so apathetic, to not care about his title as God of Death, to be indifferent about all the things he had to do, but I saw in those moments just how much it ate at him. Fighting in this war made him hard, made him tough, but inside all those defences of his was a tender, caring heart that would always mourn the killing and the bloodshed.   
  
I don't know much about his past, but I do know that he lost a lot of people close to him, the only people he had ever considered family, and I know that those losses were the things that started his transformation into Shinigami. I knew it hurt him to lose them, to have them ripped away from him. And he hated doing that to others. He hated killing soldiers because he would always wonder if they had family, if they had kids waiting for them at home who would never know their parents.   
  
I could sympathise. Losing Meiran was one of the most painful things I have ever experienced. I was raised to believe that it was the man's place to fight, and that the woman's place was at home, and I did believe that, sort of, but... Meiran had shown me just how strong women could be. She had shown me that they were just as good as us men, and that they were not weak. But she had died, and I had mourned, and I had sworn to never, ever kill a woman. I would not be the cause of another strong, tough woman's death.   
  
Meiran's death had been the first thing that started my own transformation, not into the God of Death, but into the last surviving warrior of the Dragon Clan, pilot of the Gundam Nataku.  
  
I thank Meiran for showing me what she did, for helping me, though I wish she could have lived to see me now, but Duo... he hated what he had become. He may have accepted it, even embraced it, but he certainly didn't like it. He wanted to be strong, to be a survivor, but he never wanted to be a... monster. No, that word isn't fair. But, what else can we call ourselves? We're mass-murdering terrorists, and pretty much everything we do is against one law or another.   
  
I sometimes wonder what Yuy thought of who he had become. I always thought he was the ultimate warrior, the emotionless Perfect Soldier, Mr. Mission. I never thought he could be as caring and tender as he was with Duo. He is so loving when Duo is around. I mentioned before how Duo could smile that sweet smile just for Yuy, well... Yuy has his own smile. It makes him devilishly handsome, and I can see why Duo likes him.   
  
Still... I have to wonder about the two sides of him: the Perfect Soldier, and the human being. It was much like Duo and Shinigami, but different somehow. Duo could forget, for brief moments, just what he was, but Yuy couldn't. With all his genetic enhancements, the Perfect Soldier was as much a part of him as his blue eyes and messy hair and bronzed skin. He would never be free of him, whereas Duo might someday be free of Shinigami.   
  
There was one thing I knew none of us would ever be free of: our bond as brothers. I hadn't realised before just how close we had become. We protected each other and cared for each other, sure, but I had always just shrugged it off, never noticing all the little things we did, like how Winner always served up Duo's dinner last when he was cooking pasta because he like extra spices, or the way Barton always lent Duo books to read.   
  
But Duo's torment had made us rally around him, ready to offer anything and everything, and I had realised that we were brothers, not by blood, but by choice, by something that couldn't be put into words. We were unique in the world. No one out there was like us, no one could understand us, and because of that, we were a family. The bond between us was strong and unbreakable, and I knew that if we survived this war, if we grew to be eighty years old with grey hair and walking sticks, we would still answer another's call for help. It didn't matter how old we got or how far apart, we would always be connected.   
  
That was a comforting thought. 


End file.
